So here we are, home. And I am disappointed. And I did not anticipate that happening. 3 years was way too long and I had my expectations too high. I should have known better.
The people here disappoint me. I understand their bitterness to some degree, but also I have beeen away for too long, my personality changed, my views changed, everything. I could not live here permanently. I would go crazy. All this hatred, all this intolerance, all this pessimism. In my own family, among my old friends and all over the country. It did not bother me on previous visits so much. I don't know why it does now. And I don't want to feel disappointed. This is my vacation. I want to enjoy it.
The kids are loving it here. Very much. And I am happy for that. At least they have a good time.

Finally, semester is over! It was a killer! This stats professor was unreal in his expectations and just about everything else. I'm getting a B, which has only happened to me once before. But I'm just sooooo glad it's over! Especially since he kept LOOKING at me all the time. That was very bothersome. Saying "good morning" to me alone, noticing that I "looked tired", and stuff like that. The weasel!

Now, the good news is that we are going home! Not forever, but for 5 weeks. I haven't been home in 3 years, saw my parent 2 years ago. I can't hardly wait, I'm so excited!
But also, I'm just very happy to GET OUT OF THE F-ing MIDWEST!!!! I need the city! I need people, the noise, the strangers, the public transportation, that I don't need a car for every single thing. I"ve had it with this idle boring suburban life! I know, we'll be back here in July. But, man, it will be fantastic to leave.

My little Rosebud is turning 6 tomorrow. My baby! I cannot believe how big he is getting.
He had his birthday party two weeks ago, because Roseman has already left, he is already at home, it's just me and the kids, waiting it out until school ends. So his dad is not here, so we had to have the party before he left.
He had a huge party (not held at our house) and so Dear Friends got invited too. Now, they stopped talking to me in January, even to say hi, unless I'm saying it to them and then they feel forced to say hi back. They just flat out turn their backs when I drive in front of their house. It's unreal. But I feel better than before when we acted all nice. I prefer this, not having any contact with them at all. Although, it is really rude not to say hi to your neighbor (especially in the MIDWEST), but whatever.
They still talk to Roseman, they invite him over to their parties and such but totally ignore me. Funny.
In a couple of weeks, Her birthday is coming up. Last year, when Roseman, again, was in Europe, I took the kids over on Her birthday and gave her a gift basket. Then when my birthday came around, they completely ignored it. A week later asked me if my birthday was around this time?! Well, he put my birthdate in his Blackberry years ago.... Well, then in February, they ignored Roseman's birthday too. Which I would have sworn they wouldn't do. I mean, they all buddies and stuff. The day after the birthday they asked Roseman what should they buy him as a gift. My mouth fell open! Are these people for real? So now, I'm a bit dreading the end of May. It's her 40th, a big deal, so they might have a big party and just might invite me. I think it unlikely, but there is at least 2% chance that they will. And I am not going. But how to tell them? So I keep on hoping they'll ignore me.

My brother was beaten up yesterday. Badly. I kind of forgot about his gambling trouble after he wrote me that he took care of it. I didn't ask him then what he did or planned or what deal he made. I didn't ask anything, just let things go, gladly. And yesterday I got an email from dad saying that my brother was in a hit and run accident. That the guys who hit him with their car got out and kicked him around before driving away. It's a believable story for my parents, but I know what he got into before. I just know that these were those guys, and whatever he figured to do didn't happen the way he wanted to.

I feel so bad that it actually hurts. It hurts that I cannot help him, that I'm so far away, that he got hurt, that he was so STUPID, that he is lying to our parents, that I don't know if I should tell them. I mean, I know I should, but... they worry about him as it is. They can't help him, they don't have any money. The family has a policeman friend, some sort of captain or something. I want to tell my brother to talk with him.

Finally!
I'm done with exams and with the semester. I got all A's, so I'll be getting another Dean's List notice. Yeah, I have several of those. What can I say, if I have to pay to go to school, I'll do my best work. I have always done.

That fiasco with Dear Friends got really out of hand. Apparently, I have offended Her many times in a row, so they offended me back, but it was all done very artfully, they were the Saints and I some sort of a Devil. That whole thing took a whole day out of my life and gave me a serious headache. In the end, I was like, whatever, I'm sorry and all that, I said anything (wrote rather, because we didn't speak just emailed back and forth), just to stop them sending me yet another stupid email. So then HE went behind my back and said things about me to my husband. I mean, FUCK! He just could not leave it alone. He had to have the last word. He is such a fucking mean asshole! I was soooo angry with him, still am. But in the end, not her. I wasn't mad at her.
Then at the end of the day, we were all pretend again, friends. We met several days later at the Christmas party, but he wouldn't talk to me. He said hi and that was it, avoided me all evening long. I didn't realize that there, only when we were on our way home.
The funny thing is, when he was trying to get back at me, he told my husband that I offended a friend of theirs too, I don't know why he had to involve her in our fight. But it backfired on him, because I actually called up that friend and asked her about me offending her. And it didn't happen, I have never offended her! She was absolutely stunned about what I said, so we talked about them for a while.

But this thing got me thinking. First of all, I don't understand why he hates me so much. I know they badmouth everybody and they don't really like anybody, but it still shocks me. And I was thinking about what kind of vibe I must be sending out. I mean, how come he can talk to me like that, behave toward me like that and not my husband. It was not the first time they went to him about me. Do they imagine he'll join in with the Rose-bashing? Fuck! So I was thinking about how these bullies and abusers just "know" who they can hurt and who they can't.
I really wish somebody else was their target and not me. Their friend asked me why can't we just sit down and talk about all our problems with each other. And I told her that, one, it got to a point where I don't trust anything they say, they've deceived me so much already, and two, no matter what the deal is, they are right and I am wrong, so there would be no point talking to them.

Oh, almost time for the school bus. Last day for the kids. And then I don't have to wake up at 5:50am every morning for two weeks! Yay!!!

I am so angry! I need to vent. What I should be doing is studying for my finals, but I have to get this out of me!
I am back on Friends' black list! And we got uninvited to their party. I've never got uninvited to anything in my life. Well, I have never met anyone like them in my life either.
The whole thing wouldn't bother me if they didn't always make me the bad guy. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, somehow everything always ends up being my fault. That is what I have trouble with, because when I don't see them for months, I could not be happier.

So what happened? Well yesterday my kids had a friend over to play with. And then Their son calls to invite them over to play. (They never let their son come into our house, by the way, because of our dog - they don't trust us to watch them...) And I said on the phone that my kids have a friend over, they can't go to play with him. 2 hours later I got a barely civil email from Her, that we are uninvited. What the fuck??? I mean, what should I have done? Send that child home, so my kids could go over to Their house? They always act like it is such an honor to be invited to their house. But that they got this pissed over this small thing.... Seriously! What pissed me off really was her email, the tone of it, how she wrote it, which contained something about me again, very covertly making things my fault.

I wonder if they will come to our Christmas party on the 25th. They probably will get "sick". They've done that before when they were mad at us. At me, rather. I know that nobody really likes them and as soon as they get to know them well, people stay away, except for those who are just like them. But what they can't forgive me is that because we speak the same language, they expected me to be just like them. But the thing is, even though we speak the same language, we are not from the same country, don't have the same background and culture, are not even from the same generation. I am nothing like them. And they are not intelligent enough to accept that.

Well, whatever. Yesterday, when I first got her email, I was very angry and I had to be talked out of writing an equally mean answer. I cooled off now, and I wrote her a really nice reply, that I understood how busy they were around the holidays and of course I wouldn't want to cause any extra problem. Take that Bitch! I made it sound like that she complained to me about their busy schedule (which she did!), so I kind of hit the ball back to her. I acted as if she apologized to me for canceling - she didn't, but it made my email great! She wanted to hurt me (she did, just doesn't know it) and it bounced back to her.


Okay, I need to stop, have to study.

It seems like a lot of celebrities died this year. I was really sad when George Carlin died. I also felt sad when Heath Ledger died too, so young with a little child. Tim Russert's and Paul Newman's was sad too. 
I don't know, didn't know, any of the celebrities who died, and obviously I'm not as sad as if they were any of my relatives, but it still shocks me when I hear it on the news that so-and-so died.

A neighbor woman annoyed me yesterday at the bookclub meeting. I was already witness to some of her stupid sayings before that were clearly direct results from her religious narrow-minded Midwest upbringing. I mean, normally I like her, we agree on many things, but when I see glimpses of  this kind of train of thought I get annoyed. I know, if I really think about it I should know better, because she and her husband feel GUILTY if they don't go to church every week. And that implies a lot of things!

But now, Rosie wants to go to church. Because almost all the kids around her go to church and talk about God and Jesus. And I am NOT like the religious bunch, meaning that I won't put any bounderies on her, so if she wants to go then we'll take her, but it makes me sad. I sincerely hope that the only reason she wants to do it is to not to be different from them.

I had to watch some Bill Maher clips on Youtube today just to gain back my sanity. I'm so glad that man exists and says the things he does.

It SNOWED for 2 days! I cannot believe it!

I have got an idiot for a brother!
Well, I would just about call everybody an idiot who gambled.
My idiot played poker and I didn't even know he knew how to play. And he lost. And now he owns about $4000 to certain people. How could he let that happen? What the fuck was he thinking! He must have had a couple of hundred dollars max. How in the world he went up so high? And of course, he doesn't have that kind of money to pay them back. And by next week that amount will go up to $6000. And of course those people threatened him with bodily harm. And even worse, they threatened to harm our parents if he didn't pay up.
My parents don't have any money. He asked me but I don't have money either. And the thing is, even if I did have it, I'm not sure I'd give it to him. This was not the first time he did something stupid, and I've always tried to help, but he's never done something THIS stupid. And I'm thinking a couple of broken bones would do him some good, except that I do not want my parents harmed!

Partly I blame my father. He wasn't a good role model for my brother. He was the kind who punished rather than nurtured us. He also did many stupid things. The worst was probably when he got arrested for "borrowing" something from work. Well, truly he wanted to take it back, just wanted to play around with that thing for the weekend. Well, stupid. And what a nice memory from childhood to have watching my father being handcuffed by the police and lead away. I'm living my life as differently as I can. But my brother, he is so much like him, although he claims that he isn't.
And also, he is 30 years old and my parents don't let him grow up. He still lives at home and my parents want him at home, they don't want him moving away. My mom still does everything for him, laundry, meals, cleaning his room, reminding him of things, etc. So bad!

I got the call from my brother this morning. And I haven't told anyone yet. He begged me not to say anything to my parents, and I agreed, but now I think I shouldn't have. I have this knot in my stomach because I keep thinking of all the horrible things that can happen to all of them.

I've written so long ago that I actually had to look up my password because I forgot it.

I'm so tired. School, assignments, kids' school, kids' homework, afternoon activities, sport games and events and so on start to exhaust me. And I still have a month and a half left of school.

I wanted to go vote early this week, but I just don't have the time. Although, I'm not sure I trust that those early votes will count at all. And I really want it to count, just like everybody else I presume, because I really don't want that dumb she-Hitler in the White House.

Halloween is coming up and I get to wear my pink wig! I wish I could dye my hair pink for everyday, but the suburban soccer-mommies would faint around me and they would not let me into the kids' school where I volunteer once a week. I wish we could live where people are much more open-minded.

And then it's going to be my birthday. I'm going to be 33!
3 is one of my favorite numbers, so this should be a special birthday. Except, now that I'm looking at that number, it is scary how old I am. Scary! Now I feel like crying because I think of all the things I've wanted to do and never going to.
I'm just way too tired.

Walking, seeing, breath
Sitting, wishing, beautiful
Walking, looking, sadness

So what I do is I read Random Journals. Sometimes I find links to fun tests and I do them.

Harry Potter husband test:

http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-harry-potter-husband-test/?fromCGI=1&var_Lupinity=13&var_Snapesquity=25&var_Harryness=11&var_Ronness=14&var_Lockhartiness=-6&var_Dumbledority=18&var_Dudleyness=-16&var_Siriusness=12&var_Mad%252dEye%252dosity=20&var_Nevillity=9&var_Jamesiness=12&var_Billiness=13&var_Twinsosity=12

So I'm Mrs. Snape! Oh, fun!
Well, could be worse, I wasn't that far off Dumbledore.

I have updated backwards because I barely had time in the past couple of weeks.

Labor Day party at Dear Friends' house. I wish they didn't invite us and I wish we wouldn't go. The plan was to go for a couple of hours, max.
When we arrived, they looked at me with such a hate. They usually do, unless they are already drunk by the time we go there, so I always wonder WHY do they bother to invite us at all. Well, I guess they don't have other friends, so they "put up" with ME.
Honestly I have passed the point of not caring about what they think of me and why, but still. Except for one person in my teenage years, I have not had anybody hate me before. It makes me pause and wonder. However, I do know that they don't like anybody as a rule.

But I go, because part of me wants to know what he is doing to her and to the kids. Although, with her hatred she is really making it difficult for me to care about it at all. And I watch. And there are always small things that alone wouldn't mean much. He is good. He has got her trained very well. But sometimes she slips.

Anyway. School is crazy. I do my homework along with the kids. Plus their extra swimming, soccer, and piano lessons leave me no room for anything else. I don't get much help from their dad - but that's a WHOLE other story.
And then when Dear Friends moan about how busy they are when they are BOTH at home not working at all, well that makes me see red. They even got two cleaning ladies coming to their house. I don't know what fantasy world they live in.

The university started.

Pre-calculus: easy
Computer: the prof. seems crazy! I hope I'll pass.
Psychology: cool! I get to raise a virtual child!

So that's it. Only three classes. We'll see how it goes along with my kids.

Okay, so today is Dear Friends' Son's birthday party.

Here is the deal: when Rosie had her girls-only party, their son was invited, so that they wouldn't stop speaking to us. Though, I wonder why I even bother. THEN Rosebud had his little kid's party, aged 5 and under. I have invided DFs' daughter (then 3) but not son who is 8. They got sooo pissed at me! They told the neighbors that since Son is not invited they won't let Daughter come either. Note that Daughter was not invited to Rosie's party but they had no problems then. So they did not RSVP or anything and on the day of Rosebud's party they called saying that Daughter got "sick". Well, fine whatever. They did not come to his birthday party the year before either.

So, for Son's birthday party they invited both my kids, but they did not invite a couple of neighbor kids, totally random because those not invited's siblings were invited! One family totally boycotted the party, the other is mad at them beyond repair I think.
DFs' excuse was safey because they could handle only 10 kids, but then in the end they invited several other children totally throwing out the window their safety crap excuse.
It made no sense.
And they wonder why they are not better liked around here. And of course they blame me for "spreading rumors". Well, I can't take credit. They do much damage on their own.

A national holiday in my little country!

A kiddie birthday party in my big country. Girls only, so Dear Friends are probably huffing and puffing that their son is not invited. They think it is "sexist" to have a 7-year-old (or any kids age really) girls-only or boys-only birthday party. I walked Rosie over to the party and saw Dear Friends take off with Son, probably somewhere fun so he wouldn't whine. Ha ha!

Yes!
Swimming, both my countries! A gold for Michael Phelps, a silver for Hungary, Laszlo Cseh, and a bronze for another USA swimmer - his name I can't remember right now.
There was a picture of the three in the local paper, but unfortunately I saw that on the train - the paper belonged to a man in front of me.

Edit: I found the article!

United States swimming golden boy, Michael Phelps, broke Men’s 400m Individual Medley in Swimming with an impressive 4:03.84 minutes. In second place, Laszlo Cseh of Hungary clocked 4:06.16 and Ryan Lochte of the United States got bronze with 4:08.09. US President, George Bush, was at the Water Cube ( National Aquatics Center) to cheer the guys and gals.

It was a beautiful opening ceremony!
Rosie sat with me watching, I think she is even more excited about it than I am. She wants to swim at the Olympics.
We were waiting for the Hungarians to walk in, hoping that they'd be shown. And they were. But what an ugly dress the women wore! What was up with that? Anyway, I'm really excited for them!

I loved this book. I read it in a day, staying up until two in the morning.
I didn't think that after Harry Potter I would find another series for children or teens that I'd like this much.

One of the reasons I like it so much is because Bella is exactly like I was as a teen, accident-prone, awkward, cried when angry, and hated PE just as much.
I liked reading about the vampires too, surprisingly. I didn't think I would ever want to read about them, in any kind of book, but the subject is growing on me.

I wish I believed they existed, or believed that any kind of supernatural existed. I really wish because life would be a little bit more interesting.

I hate these tornado warnings.

Before we moved here I asked people about tornadoes and they all said that it was a rare occurrence around here. Well! In the past two years that damned siren went off so many times I can't even count them. Every single time I feel like running around like a headless chicken. But of course I cannot do that.

The sirens went off again last night. Fortunately the kids were asleep. But I was here on my own, because He is away again. The dogs went crazy, had to take them down to the basement. And then I imagined all sorts of horrible things, the house blown apart, our things flying in every directions and so on. I have been planning to write out a plan, what to do, what to take down to the basement, because if I have a list of things to do I'm less likely to panic. But somehow I have not made that list yet.

I so wish we lived somewhere where there wouldn't be any extreme nature. The north is too cold, the south is too hot, the east has hurricanes, the west has fires and drought, here the midwest has tornadoes. I don't mind storms and rain, but no tornadoes.

What is the weather like in Australia?

Can somebody have a hangover for two days? Probably I'm just more tired. Saturday night was great! We were out clubbing, seven of us. I haven't done that in years. Nor have I danced so much since my early twenties.
It's Monday and I'm still recovering.

I love people-watching. And the crowd at the club was worth watching. The young and desperate, the old and desperate, the weird, the bachelorette party - a cute little bride dancing in her wail, the local celebrity newsperson, the band, and so on.
I was enjoying myself. I drunk whiskey and at first it tasted horrible, but after a while I didn't notice it. I also smoked - I don't usually. I'm a summer smoker only, but this summer I decided not to because I don't want to worry Rosie. I tell her, the school tells her, everybody tells her that smoking cigarettes can kill you, and then there is Mommy smoking away. She had questioned me last year about this, and I couldn't really explain myself. So I decided to avoid the whole thing this year.

I have to voice something because it's nagging at me. I think that there is abuse going on in Dear Friends' house. This thought has passed my mind occasionally in the past year, but usually other things overshadowed it. Dear Friends and I are not in the best of terms. Except for a few months in the beginning, when we moved here, we have always been mad at each other - all under the surface, because outward we are all smiles. It is a strange relationship. Anyway. Saturday afternoon, before we went out, I saw a bruise on her arm. And out of the blue, I just thought he did that to her. I don't know why. I wanted to ask her what happened, and I know she would have said something about a silly accident, like she did the other time I asked, but decided against asking. And then during the night there was an incident that made me think of abuse again. I've talked to my mom about it and she said the same thing. Mom has met them last year, and I always tell her everything that happens with Dear Friends. So today I looked at websites about abuse in the family, signs of abuse - and just about 80% of those signs fit them. It is hard to believe, and yet, it is not.
I'm going to think about this. A lot.